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1. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A comic drama in two acts. Six 

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2. A SCRAP OF PAPER. A comic drama in three acts. Six male, six female 

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7. WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME. A comedy-faice in two acts. Four male, 

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8. HOW^ TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. A farce in one act. Four 

male, two female characters. Time, thirty-five minutes, 
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HOW TO TAME YOUR 
MOTHER-IN-LAW 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 



BY 



HENRY J. BYRON 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the Ori- 
ginal Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Cast of the Characters, Synopsis of Incidents, 
Time of Representation, Description of the 
Costumes. Scene and Property Plots, Dia- 
gram OF the Stage Setting, Sides of 
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions OF THE Performers, Expla- 
nation of the Stage Direc- 
tions, ETC., AND ALL OF 

THE Stage Business. 

Copyright, 1889, by Harold Roorbach. 




V^'NGTON. 



NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 
PUBLISHER 




How to Tame Your Mother-in-law. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



First performed at the Strand Theatre, London, under the management of 
Mrs. Swanborough, on Monday, May joth, 1864. 

Samson Whiffles (a tea dealer) Mr. H T Turner 



Mr. Timothy Spangle V« ^^^V M; * ? Th„inl' 

Mrs. Whiffles [Samson^s better-half] l]] V ' " Miss E Tohn^Ze' 

Mrs. Incubus (Samson^s mother-in-law).. . ' ■[ M * -'S"'^°"!' 



Time of Representation— Thirty-five Minutes. 
SYNOPSIS OP INCIDENTS. 

<ra„ce of his old "rend T«„?„vSPAN^f'''- ^," V''"'' " *e «»- 

arrives and is cordially rec^bv^.'^^ ^"'v,' "^ • ^^'- ^^^'^'^^'^ ^"'X 
once to depart on vZTnl J ^ i ^''^ ^^ '' °^^^^^^ 

Spangle. The lat"er fhen en^r^ nr"'- ' ^^'^"'"^ "^" ^^'^ '^^^^ for 
Mrs. Incubus int?Turchasini .t^f ^"•'*'^ f '^ smuggler, and beguiles 
poses to be some sZ'gtd !ilk The"°^''^ '°^, P^l^^^ "?^^* ^^ '^"P" 
Mrs. Incubus goes off to have a look ,,V>""F'^V ^''^'^S retired, 
and shawl on a chair. Durfne heribsil If^^^v'^^^'"^ ^^^ *^°""et 
find her lord absent nresur.blv.n?'-^^''f; Whiffles returns to 
bonnet and Shaw SoXeso^?toVrZ^^ ^"^' discovering the 

Incubus then corerback, dtgus^Tthe "a[nfJ^'"rJ'r •■'^^^'^- ^'^^• 
the house, and is extremely dilcontrtiX^S'raiiLtof 



HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 3 

time disguised as a costermonger. Whiffles is then brought in deplor- 
ably drunk, and realizing that his condition is not comme il/aict, conceals 
hniiself in the preserve closet just as his mother-in-law re-enters ready to 
shake the dust of the premises from her feet. But in the act of departure, 
she is met by Spangle, now got up as a policeman, charged with a 
breach of the revenue laws, and directed to retire to her room while he 
fetches a cab in which to convey her to prison. While pretending to 
call the cab, the policeman is met 'by the irate Mr. Hunx, in anxious 
search of Spangle and his money. The "pohceman " now tells Hunx 
that the absconding debtor is at that very moment in the next room, 
disguised as a woman in order to effect his escape, and advises Hunx to 
collar his victim at once, promising to be at hand in case of need Im- 
mediately on Mrs. Incubus' reappearance, she is seized by Hunx, but 
rescued by Mrs. Whiffles, who comes in opportunely. In the course of 
the uproar, Whiffles, smeared with preserves, emerges from his place 
of concealment, declares his independence of petticoat government, and 
asserts his domestic authority. Spangle then comes forward and is in- 
stantly recognized by Hunx, but silences the latter by referring to his 
conduct at a ball on the previous night. Mrs. Incubus is now thoroughly 
subdued, and Spangle, though he declines to enter into any explana- 
tions, offers to set forth in a practical manner, as frequently as required, 
the whole art of "How to Tame Your Mother-in-Law." 

COSTUMES. 

Samson. — Business suit; hat. 

Tompkins. — Ordinary waistcoat and trousers ; calico shirt, without 
collar; apron. 

Mr. Hunx. — Business suit; hat. 

Spangle. — ist dress; business suit, hat and cane. 2d dress ; burlesque 
smuggler's disguise, jd dress; costermonger's costume. 4th dress ; 
policeman's uniform, shield and club. 

Mrs. Whiffles | r^ ,. „ • , , , , . 

Mrs. Incubus f — '-'™i"^ry walking dresses, bonnets and shawls. 

STAGE SETTING. 



£tt*rioT Sadking 



. w».^ ' I t^uar III ^ 

I 



Door 2ioer 

I Chair 




Scene. — Plain chamber in 3 o., backed with interior backing in 4 o. 
Doors R., L., and c. Closet r. c. in flat. Sofa up L. Chairs r. c. 
and L. c. 



4 HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

PROPERTIES. 

Labels and boxes. Bell behind stage. Candles, bar of soap, and pre- 
serves in closet. R. c. Letter in brown envelope for Tompkins. Money, 
watch and flask for Whiffles. Two handkerchiefs (one very ragged), 
short pipe, bottle, and parcel for SpANGLE. Money and flask in satchel 
for Mrs. Incubus. 

• 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The player is supposed to face the audience. R, means right ; L. , left; 
C, center; R. c, right of center; L. c, left of center; i e., first entrance; 
2 E., second entrance; i, 2 or 3 G., first, second or third grooves. UP 
STAGE, toward the back; down stage, toward the footlights. 

R. R. C. C. L. C. L. 

Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book 
protected by copyright. 





How to Tame Your Mother-in-Law. 



SCENE. — Parlor behind a little grocer's shop — Doors, R., L., 
R. C. and into shop, c. 

Tompkins /«j/z«^ labels on boxes. 

Tom. "Mrs. Whiffles, passenger to Frumpington." That's all 
right : and so missus is going out of town : she says it's for the 
benefit of her health. I'm sure it will be for the benefit of my 
health, and master's too — poor fellow. I never knew such a 
tartar as missis, never ! Talk of Timour, the Tartar, as I see last 
boxing night ! He is a regular lamb in armor, compared to Mrs. 
Whiffles. I hope she won't hurry back on our account ; master 
an' me can do without her, 'specially me. Here she comes, so 
as music 'ath power to sooth the savage breast, why {ar- 
ranges boxes — sings) "I'm afloat, I'm afioat " 

Enter Mrs. Whiffles, 'R.^paces the stage. 

Mrs. W. You're afloat indeed — you're a fool. 

Tom. Thankee, mum. 

Mrs. W. Don't answer — I hate boys that answer. 

Tom. I don't answer, mum, at least master said so after he'd 
tried me a week. 

Mrs. W. Hold your tongue, sir, and leave the drawing-room. 

Tom. {aside) He, he, he ! calls the little parlor behind the 
shop, a droring-room ! I'm a going, mum. (exit door, c.) 

Mrs. W. Yes, Mr. Sampson Whiffles your patient wife can 
bear a great deal, but there are bounds, which even the most 
trusting woman — but what's the use of complaining ? What are 
wives but beasts of burden — camels ? But the last straw breaks 
the camel's back, and I have had the last straw. My dear old 
darling of a mamma, the kindest, gentlest, best of mothers and 
mothers-in-law, proposes to come and stay on a visit, and Mr. 
Whiffles objects, positively grumbles ! But I'll be even with my 



6 HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

eentleman-rU go and see her, and not come back till he sends 
for me which hf'll be too glad to do. in a couple of days. When 
I'm away, he'll soon find what a treasure I am. 

Enter WHIFFLES, C door from shop. 

Whif. My dear, have you any idea 

TVTrs W No, I haven't ! , , ,. 

Whif Hem ! {aside) Weather-glass points to stormy, {aloud) 
Do vou know, my dear, if we are out ot soap 

Tvrra W Oh drop the shop. I m sick ot it . 

Whif Tf 1 drop the shop, my dear, the shop will very soon 
dr^me That's my reason for Hving on the ground floor in- 
stead ^f upstairs ; I didn't want to be above my business-dye 
see ? That's not so bad. 

Mrs W W^ell, as you don't wish to have ma here—— 

Whif But when mothers-in-law come to live with their daugh- 
ter^ they've a knack of-of-of-not going away again ; however, 

'^MrV"w'"oh;no,sir, mymamma is too proud to force her 
presence upon any one-however, I am go^ng to see her ; I hav-e 
So doubt vou will survive my absence. Plenty of your lad> cus- 
tomers to^whom you are so polite, will be ready to sympathize 
wiThy^u in your [onely concfition-I don't suppose )-« U^miss 

"" Whif. (aside) Weather, glass points to much rain. My dear, 
I hope you'll enjoy yourself, and bring back 

Mrs. W. Mamma ? 

"Whif No : a better temper. ^ 

Mrs W i a better temper ? Why, you good-for-nothing, 
ugly, unkind little tyrant-I've the best temper in the world 

Whif Very hkely ; but you're a perfect mistress i^/he art of 
disguising it ! Well. Tompkins shall letch a cab. {calls) Tomp- 

kins ' 

Enter TOMPKINS, C. 

Tompkins ! 

Tom. Yes sir. 

■Whif. Go and fetch a cab. ^:„ior 

Tom I've got one, sir ! Sich a hoss— a gray mare— nglar 
racer— rattle vou down to the station m no time, mum. 

Mrs. W. {aside) I do believe they're glad to get nd of me. 
(aloud) Carry my boxes to the cab. ■Hoor;,v 

ToJ. Yes^, with the ve,y grea.es, P'"-- ^(^ ;f >, «°°'^^':i 
hooray, missis is a going ! le^" "'^ ' 

Mrs. W And now, good morning ! ■ ,^ 

Whif. Good morning, my dear. What, am t you agoing to- 
e(\'i [indicating a desire to be saluted) 

Mrs. W. (^/e/^r^/j) Sampson Whiffles, if/^« had fifty mothers. 



I/O IV TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 7 

and they wanted to come and stay with you, I should smile upon 
you and say " bring 'em." 

Whif. I don't know where you'd put 'em though. One salute. 

Mrs. W. No, sir ! When I return, may you be more alive to 
the treasure you possess. Oh, what did I ever marry you for ! 

(exit, C.) 

"Whif. Sampson Whiffles, when you led to the hymeneal altar 
the lovely and accomplished Angelica Incubus, you considered 
yourself the happiest fellow in world. Six weeks after that aus- 
picious event, you came to the conclusion that there wasn't a 
more miserable devil breathing. Here have I been married a 
year and a half, and 1 can hardly believe it to be less than twenty 
years. 1 don't believe that I'm thirty-two ; I'm firmly convinced 
I'm at least sixty. I'm prematurely old ; I feel it — my hair's 
turning gray — I'm getting weak in the knees — in fact, I'm wretch- 
ed, and yet my wife is a charming woman. Ah, there's no 
mistake about that ; everybody said so before we were married, 
and of course it must be so ; but all I know is, if I get a chance 
of being married again, I shall fix my affections on anything but 
a charming woman — I shall select a regular sour piece of goods, 
and with the less teeth the better ; but no more of your charm- 
ing women for Sampson Whiffles. 

Enter TOMPKINS, C, with letter in brown envelope. 

Tom. Letter, sir. 

Whif. Is there ? 

Tom. Yes, sir, and there's some'at else. 

Whif. What ? 

Tom. There's twopence to pay for it. 

Whif. {gives money) What impudence ! (Tompkins goes 
off, door, C.) Who's this from ? I should like to know — the post 
mark says Fru Oh, lord ! It's a letter from my mother-in- 
law — Angelica's ma. Ha, ha ! {opens letter) Charming old lady, 
she is. The late Mr. Incubus died in a lunatic asylum — don't 
wonder at it — I think his daughter is making out Jiiy ticket for 
Hanwell ; but she don't do it. No, I'll die sane if I go mad in 
the attempt ! {reads — gets excited— falls into chair) Tomp- 
kins ! Tompkins ! {jumping up) Tompkins ! 

Enter Tompkins, c.,^ — Whiffles seizes him. 

Whif. Mistaken infant — infinitesimal — homoeopathic dose of 
humanity, why were you ever born ? 

Tom. Lord, master, have you got the hydro-for-beer ? 

Whif. Why — why did you bring me this letter ? Instrument 
of torture, speak ! Had you annihilated-me — crunched— smashed 
— squashed me ! Oh, misery ! {falls into a chair) 



8 HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

Tom. What's the matter, sir ? Has a customer bolted ? He's 
got delirium tremendous. 

Whif. So this dreadful woman is coming on a visit, is she .'' 
She's coming to fasten herself like a remorseless leech upon her 
son and daughter, eh ? To make my life more miserable — my 
Angelica more suspicious — my home more like a wasp's nest 
than it ever was, is she ? What am I to do ? I haven't a soul to 
help me, — not one— not one ! Exit Tompkins, c. 

Span, (itt shop — sittgs) "When the heart of a man is 
oppressed." 

Whif. Ha, that voice, that toone — 'tis he ! 

Enter Spangle, c, — melodramatic start. 

Span. What, my Whiffles — companion of childhood — friend of 
my boyhood — confidant of my riper years ; ha, ha ! embrace me. 

{cmlyrace) 

"Whif. What on earth brings you to town ? I thought you 
were engaged for six months at the Theatre Royal, Little Snod- 
grass. 

Span. Whiffles, the T. R. Little Snodgrass is a swindle — the 
company invisible — the manager a myth, and the audiences — 
such audiences, Whiffles — three old women and a baby in the pit 
two orders in the boxes, and a butcher boy and woman, with nuts, 
inthegallery — that's a crowded house. Who could spout Shake- 
speare to such a select few .? not Timothy Spangle. No, I con- 
tented myself with spouting my chronometer, and with a heavy 
sigh and a light carpet bag, I bade adieu to Little Snodgrass and 
the Little Snodgrassians. 

Whif. No doubt leaving them inconsolable at your departure. 

Span. Only one person regretted that, I believe. 

Whif. Who was that ? 

Span. My landlord ; the confiding individual, after swindling 
me m every way he could for six weeks, suddenly grew nervous 
for the rent and seized my wardrobe. 

Whif. Your wardrobe ? 

Span. Yes, a pair of old tights, two dilapidated russet boots 
and a shoe horn. I saw the old rascal at a fancy ball last night, 
dancing away with a debardeur at the " Thistle and Broomstick." 
But I say, old fellow, you don't look altogether lively— what's the 
matter ? Don't married life agree with you ? 

Whif. Oh, yes, I'm lively — very lively. 

Span. Are you ? Well, p'raps you are ; but your liveliness is 
exactly like my misery. Come, unbosom yourself — what's the 
matter, business shaky .'' 

Whif. Firm as ever — increasing. 

Span. Lungs sound ? 

Whif. Listen. {^prepares to shout) 



HO IV TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. g' 

Span. Thankee, don't exert yourself. Ah, I see I Mrs. Whif- 
fles and you don't altogether hit it ; or rather you do hit it and 
have a fight now and then. 

Whif. No jokes on such a subject. 

Span. No, it's no laughing matter. Ah, my boy, you were 
happy when we used to play Macbeth together in the loft, don't 
you remember ? " Lay on Macduff and damn'd be he who first 
cries ' hold, enough ! ' " [crosses to R.) Thrilling, wasn't it .-' 

Whif. I beg to say I've had quite enough, I'm out of 

Span. What — candles ? Said so ; been paying your taxes — 
found the price of brooms risen, eh .-' Chicory dearer ? Rise in 
sand, eh ? You look as if you'd got a man in possession. 

Whif. I shall have a woman in possession soon. The fact is, 
I've got a sword hanging over my head. 

Span, {looking up) Where ? 

Whif. Bother ! Have you never heard of Damocles ? 

Span. D n Damocles ! go on ! 

Whif. Timothy, did you ever have a mother-in-law ? 

Span. No ; but I've got a cousin-german. 

Whif, Of course not ; you're a bachelor. Well, my wife you 
know, is a charming person ! 

Span. Ah ! a splendid woman — expansive — plenty of her ! 

Whif. But, unfortunately, she's a leetle — ^just a leetle warm- 
tempered — breaks all the furniture twice a week, likes to have 
her own way, you know, and, I'm sadly afraid that by the time 
she's sixty 

Span She'll be a regular tommyhawk — a downright old she 
bear — gray, but grizzly. 

Whif. She's gone on a visit. 

Span. Hooray ! then, my boy, we'll have a regular holiday- 
time of it. I've nothing to do — I'll stop with you till she returns. 
I'll do anything to make myself useful ; crush the lump, pick the 
flies out of the treacle — anything ! 

Whif. Thankee ; but, unfortunately, her dear mamma, her 
dear mamma, I say 

Span. Yes, she'll be dear to you, I dare say ; you wouldn't 
mind her being lost to sight — to memory dear. 

"Whif. This awful old woman intends quartering herself- 

Span. Yes, her elderly and snuffy self 

Whif. Exactly ; on me. Now, when once she enters these 
doors, adieu comfort, authority, self-respect, peaceful hours 

Span. British brandy ! 

Whif. Everything an Englishman prizes. She'll put my wife 
up to all sorts of rebellious tricks, and as soon as she arrives, 
she'll drive me to a wat'ry grave. 

Span. Then as soon as she arrives, I should drive her to the 
Waterloo Station, and pack her home again. What, Sampson 



lo HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW, 

Whiffles, do you intend to give up your home to a disagreeable, 
sponging old woman, who can afford to keep away, but who, once 
admitted, will be like blackbeetles — impossible to get rid of— 
don't say you do, for I don't believe you. I know that beneath 
those Nankeen trousers — I mean under that elaborately spotted 
waistcoat — beats a lieart as brave as Ccesar's, and as undaunted 
as Coriolanus's. Forget not, my boyhood's friend and pitcher, 
that the blood of all the Whiffleses darts through my Sampson's 
veins ; that a long and noble line of ancestry looks down upon 
you, exclaiming with universal voice, " Sampson WhifHes, 
remember your family, pack off your mother-in-law ; or give in. 
succumb, immolate youi'self beneath Mrs. Juggernaut Incubus, 
deliver up your prerogative, surrender your house and authority, 
and dwindle gradually into a miserable henpeck'd, mother-in-law- 
mangled, trick'd, trodden down, trampled on, little tea-dealer, 
with a heart the size of a penn'orth of blue, and no more spirit 
than a short si.x." {crosses L.) 

Wliif. What you say's all very true, Tim ; but, somehow, since 
I've been married, I've lost all my courage — I've grown, as 
nervous as a kitten. I haven't the pluck to order off mother-in- 
law ; I 

Span. You haven't ! Who said you had ? Of course not, I'll 
do the thing for you, you shan't appear at all in the business ; I 
alone, with bended bow and "quiver full of arrows" — no, I 
mean my carpet-bag full of properties — will undertake to erad- 
icate this domestic plague, and send her back to her souchong 
and scandal at Frumpington quicker than ever she came away. 

Whif. No violence, Tim. 

Span. Violence ! The man who would raise a finger against 
a defenceless woman — — 

Whif. Just so, that'll do, but how mmU you manage ? 

Span. In my carpet bag I managed to conceal from the wary 
eyes of my landlord, Mr. Hunx, a few things, wigs, etc. ; with the 
aid of these, . I'll amuse Mrs. Inkybus during your absence. 
You'll have pressing business out, of course, and — ha, ha, ha ! — 
glorious ! by the time you return, put me down as pantomime 
super if Mrs. I. isn't cured forever of her son-in-law's oppres- 
sive tendencies. 

Whif. If she is. Spangle, you shall have 

Span. What ? 

Whif. My blessing. 

Span. Oh ! thank'ee. 

Enter TOMPKINS, C.,from shop. 

Tom. Please, sir, 'ere's a old lady inquiring for you. 

"Whif. Oh, lor ! {falls into Spangle's arms. 

Tom. The cabman's a follerin' of her, and a blackguarding of 
her, and a callin* of her names. 



HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. n 

V7hif. Oh, lor ! 

Span. Don't be a fool, man, summon up the courage of a tea- 
dealer and a gentleman, and meet your dear mamma-in-law like 
a man. 

Mrs. I. [without) I tell you I won't give you a farthing more, 
so be off, you impertinent fellow ! 

"Whif. You won't desert me, Spangle .-' 

Span. Desert you .-' hear me swear .'' {kneels on pocket-hand- 
kerchief) 

Whif. No, no, don't swear, it agitates me. Do I look pallid } 

Span. Rubicund as pickle cabbage, my boy. 

Whif. Go along then. 

Span. Sustain your stamina, put a bold face on it, rely on the 
companion of your childhood. 

My carpet bag's contents must gain the day, 
My soul's in arms and eager for the fray. 
Ha, ha, ha ! Exit, melo-drantatically, R. 

Tom. {imitates him) Ha, ha, ha ! {goes off, shop door) 

Whif. Now ! Sampson Whiffles, be a man, be a man. Now 
for the detestable old fiend in female form. 

Enter MRS. Incubus, C. 

{affectionately) My darling mother-in-law, delighted to see you. 
{embrace) bless me, how well you look. Why you don't look a 
day over five-and-thirty, I declare. How are you ? 

Mrs. I. I'm in an ill temper. 

Whif. How extraordinary ! 

Mrs. I. I've been imposed upon, Sampson. 

Whif. {aside) She's heard all. 

Mrs. I. By that cabman — the ruffian ! but you're all alike, you 
men, you all deceive and cheat us poor, confiding, weak women. 
Ah ! I wish my poor husband was alive. 

Whif. (aside) Lucky man. 

Mrs. I. What did you say ? 

Whif. I said you were unlucky, ma'am. 

Mrs. I. Of course I am ; don't want any jackanapes to tell me 
that. But where's Angelliky .'' 

"Whif. Who, mother-in-law ? 

Mrs. I. Angelliky ! 

Whif. Ah ! Angelica ! 

Mrs. I. Of course — are you deaf, or drunk ? why isn't she here 
to receive her ma ? I'm afraid she's as bad as you are, Samp- 
son, and has almost forgotten her affectionate mother. {'whi7n- 
pers) 

Whif. {aside) I never did commit murder, but — {aloud) the 
fact is, mother-in-law dear 

Mrs. I. Ha ! all children are alike now-a-days — well, well, I 



12 HOW TO TAME YOUk MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

shan't trouble you much longer. QNkiftl^s pantomimes thanks) 
I'm a martyr to lumbager, Sampson — I 'as it in my 'ed, and in my 
harms, and in my back especial — nothing- won't cure it, but a 
wee drop of sherry, took medicinal, purely medicinal. 

"Wliif. Ah ! of course — I'm very sorry that Angelica took the 
keys with her. 

Mrs. I. Don't trouble yourself. I 'as the attack so often, that I 
find it convenient to carry a little bottle with me. (pulls out pint 
black bottle and imbibes) 

"Whif. {writhing in agony) Oh, bless me ! oh dear ! 

Mrs. I. What's the matter ^ 

■WMf. Oh ! the lumbago ! oh my back, oh ! oh ! 

Mrs. I. Never knew it was catching. 

Whif. Oh, yes, it's dreadful ! give me some of your physic, I 
don't like it, but it'll do me good, (seizes bottle and drinks) I'm 
much better now. 

Mrs. I. Oh, it's a wonderful remedy, took medicinal. 

"Whif. Oh ! I've got it again ! [takes bottle again — pulls out 
watch) Good gracious ! 

Mrs. I. What's the matter ? 

"Whif. Lord bless us ! ten o clock, I must be off. 

Mrs. I. Off ! 

"Whif. Yes, didn't I tell you ? Why, mother-in-law, I'm sorry 
to say that I'm obliged to go to Westminster — I'm on a jury and 
must go. 

Mrs, I. You shan't ! 

Whif. Public justice 

Mrs. I. What's public justice to your mother-in-law, come all 
the way from Frumpington, to see her dear children ? 

Whif. I'm really sorry — but really I must go — perhaps — I say 
perhaps, you wouldn't object to mind the shop during my ab- 
sence — my boy's young and prigs the currants. 

Mrs. I. Mind the shop ? a mother-in-law mind the shop ! Why 
ain't there an earthquake ? 

Whif. So good-bye ! good-bye ! [going — aside) I'll go and 
have a consoler at the " Pig and Whistle," in the court. He, he, 
he ! I wouldn't be in mother-in-law's shoes for a trifle, (aloud) 
Oh ! mother-in-law if the water rate calls, tell him I'm out, and 
shan't be home for a month, (going) Good-bye, mother-in-law. 
[returns) Oh, if Mrs. Haggle comes for three-and-eight-penny 
tea, give her two-and-nine — she never pays till she is made. 

Exit C. door, 

Mrs. I. (sits) Oh, deary me ! why did I come on this unlucky 
journey — all to see a ungrateful darter as is out, and avagabone 
of a son-in-law as goes out, when I might a stayed at home and 
been as comfortable as it's possible for a lumbagerfied creetur' 
to be. I was differently treated, when my good man was alive. 



HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 13 

I misses him continually ; it's true I was always wishing him to 
go, but somehow, when he goed, I felt as though I was the lonest 
and flornest and forsakenest woman in Christendom. Weil, 
never mind, as my poor husband used to say— it's a walley of 
tears— and so it is— a world of lonelines and lumbager. 
Enter Spangle R., as a melodramatic smuggler— burlesque 

melodrama— noiselessly, and claps MRS. INCUBUS on shoulder 

— she shrieks. 

Span. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Mrs. I. Murder ! 

Span. Another word, and your brains bespatter that wall- 
one ejaculation, be it but " Oh, lawks ! " and that Kidderminster 
carpet soaks up your best heart's blood— the slightest movement, 
even the uncontrollable wink of an eye, seals your dreadtul doom ! 
Ha, ha ! ,,^, , ^ 

Mrs. I. {aside) Ah, the garrotting ruffian ! Where s the 
police. 

Span. What's that ? Police ! Name agam the wretched myr- 
midons of a despotic and tyrannous government, and these walls 
resound to your closing squeals ! 

Mrs. I. Oh, lor ! 

Span. But I waste time— I am a fool. Madam, pardon me, 
you see before you a nobleman. 

Mrs. I. Do I ? — where ? 

Span. Here— in this wasted form, this sodden eye, these quiv- 
ering limbs. I, madam, I am a nobleman— the Lord Mountap- 
pleblossom. 

Mrs. I. The Lord Mount 

Span. Hush ! would you see me a gibbeted traitor on the fatal 
tree, or a wriggling corse at your feet ? That dreadful name, 
even whispered, is sufficient to raise a troop of harpies round 
their victim. Pity me ! 'tis years since I have tasted food. 
Madam, pity me— I — I am starving. 

Mrs. I. What am I to do ? Oh, dear ! 

Span. Why was I ever born, madam .? Madam, I am of an- 
cient lineage— noble family— tip-top birth. But a ruffianly 
steward sent me away when young, and now enjoys the title and 
estates, which of right belong to this shrunken shadow. What 
wonder then that, like a maniac, I roam the wide and wretched 
world, an outcast, and earning a bare subsistence by selling 
winkles, {calls hoarsely) Winkles ! here ye are ! wmk, wink, 

wink ! n • I 1 

Mrs. I. Poor young man ! {aside) A nobleman sell winkles— 

'orrible ! 

Span. But I'm not selling winkles now, lady— no, no, I have 
done with them, and forever ; but their wretched shells are ever 



14 HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

before me, their worm-like form forever haunts me, and their 
odor, when too long kept, still hangs around me. JNow, madam, 
I am — I am 

Mrs. I. What— what ? 

Span. Hush ! a smuggler. Shriek not, for your life ! without 
you'd condemn me for life to a solitary cell and spiders, beneath 
the lofty walls of frowning Newgate. Here, {unfolds parcel) 
here I have — start not — a silk dress — smuggled, smuggled {aside) 
from Spitalfields— for ten shillings — hush ! its value is eight 
guineas ; but hunger knows not haggling — for half that noble 
coin yeclept a sov., 'tis yours. 

Mrs. I. Ten shilling for that splendid silk t cheap as dirt. 

Span. Lucre is filthy, but it gets us grub. 

Mrs. I. Oh ! Mr. Smuggler— I mean Mr. no, Lord 

Winkle — no, I mean, — here's the ten shillings and 

Span, {kneeling) Bright seraph ! 

Mrs. I. Go along, I am't a syrup. 

Span. Beauteous being — my thanks, my heartfelt thanks, ac- 
cept 'em ; this kindness overpowers me ; {pulls out ragged 
handkerchief) but no, I will not weep, no ! 'tis unmanly. Oh ! 
lady — beauteous lady, I'm in love. 

Mrs I. Poor young man ! 

Span, 'Tis years since the unhappy Mountappleblossom has 
heard soft words of pity, {iti tears) they overpower him ; but a 
truce with woman's tears — yes, lady, and she I love spurns me, 
she knows not my real condition — she despises the ragged out- 
cast, and I have but one consolation. 

Mrs. I. What's that ? 

Span. Look here — brandy ! beautiful brandy ; brandy that 
has not paid one farthing duty to Government ! No, no ! See 
lady, 'tis yours ; and when you have a touch of rheumatism, 
take first a glass of this, and think at the same time of the 
poor heart-broken smuggler, who, crushed — despised — ^trampled 
on — trodden under foot — lives but for revenge ! revenge ! 

Exit melodrajnafically, R. 

Mrs. I. Misfortune's turned that young man's brain. How- 
ever, the silk's cheap ; and as to its being smuggled. Govern- 
ment won't feel it, I dare say. I'll go and have a look at what's 
in the larder. Exit L., leaves bonnet and cloak on chair. 

Enter Mrs. Whiffles, /rtf;« shop. 

Mrs. W. So, so, no one about — Tompkins master of the shop, 
and Mr. Whiffles out enjoying himself, I've no doubt. The 
monster, to think of eating and drinking in the absence of his 
wife ; but he little thinks that I've returned, and am hovering 
around the enemy like the fellow in the play ; he thinks I'm at 
Frumpington by this time, the heartless wretch ! {sits on bon- 



HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER- IN- LA IV. 15 

net) What's this ? am I awake ? a woman's bonnet and shawl 
and not mine ! Oh ! what's to become of me ? — And he really is 
false to me ; 1, who have been such a fond, patient, gentle wife 
to him ; but I'll not submit tamely as I always have done. No ! 
I'll show him I'm not the foolish, weak creature he thinks me • 
I'll be divorced from the wretch ! You can get one for a triHe.' 
No, I won't ; I'll go to my ma, I'll pour my griefs into her ear.' 
Ah ! the wicked, wicked wretch ! Exit, sobbing, r! 

Enter Mrs. Incubus, l. 

Mrs. I. There's nothing at all in the larder, but some mint 
sauce, and a bit ot beel suet ; Tompkins and I can't make a 
dinner off that. 

Enter ToMPKINS/r^;« shop. 
What's your name ? 

Tom. My name is Tompkins, "on the Grapplin 'ills." 

Mrs. I. None of your low poetry, I 'ate it ; Tompkins, I want 
you to get me a chop. 

Tom. A chop ? [shop bell) Shop ! Exit C. qtiick 

Mrs. I. Ugh ! The 'orrid creature ! 

Enter SPANGLE, as a cosiermojtger, with short pipe, black eye. 

Span. Well ! this here's a werry pooty conducted sort of a 
'stablishment, this is ! A werry pooty sort of a house to call after 
a great battle. Hinkermann 'ouse — Hinkermann 'ouse indeed ! 
It's a Hinkermann bad shop at all events. " 'Arf a bounce of 
bird's hi," ses I. " Haltogether hout o'bird's hi," ses he. " 'Arf 
a bounce o' hanythink you 'as," ses I. " Haltogether hout o' 
heverythink," ses he. " You're the proprietor of the shop 1" ses I. 
" You're hout," ses he. "Where his the proprietor.''" ses I. 
" He's hout," ses he. " Where's the proprietress ? " ses I. " She's 
hout as well," ses he. "Well if they're hall hout," ses I, "just 
step into the parlor and give us a light to this pipe by the 
fire." " The fire's hout too," ses he. "Well," ses I, " ifhevery- 
think's hout, what d'ye call this Hinkermann 'ouse for ? " What 
do you say, old gal ? 

Mrs. I. What a 'orrid wretch. Oh ! I wish I was back home. 
— catch me visiting my darter again in a hurry ! 

Span. Heverybody knows me — I don't hide my 'ed under no 
bushel, I don't put my beak into no sand like the pellikian of the 
deserts ! Heverybody knows my sentiments. I'm for wote by 
ballad — universal sufferings— the dooty off heverythink — no hin- 
come tax and no hincomes. As for the five p'ints of the charter — 
I'm good for a gallon any day. Wot I ses is — " A fair day's 
wages for a fair day's work," I ses, so 1 never does nothink. 

Mrs. I. I'll stand this no longer. I'll go to my room, put the 
things back in the box, go home at once, and never come and 



,6 HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

bumper house on the occasion of my last beneht. Let me see, 
how does it go ? 

SONG. — '' Poor Susian.'' 

'Twas near the Boro' Market that there dwelt a fine young man ; 
He fe Hn love with a damsiel, which her name was Susian ; 
?hey always were a making love, just like ^ Pj;- ^^ 1?°°"^^^^,, 
Hall the mornings, hall the heven-ings, and hall the afternoons. 

Well, matters had been going on like that a yf^^^'}^""'^^ 

When Susian remarked one day " My age is thirty -tour, 

T fppl as T am pettins? on. I am not a young gal, • , .. 

And I should v'ery much like to know^f your views is mat-n-mo-ni-al. 

Says he, " What is your property ? Though lucre I d'^spis^e 
But we cannot live on nothink, which to try would not be wise , 
We're both on us got appetites, which satisfied must be, 
And we can't have proper dinners if we ain't got proper-tea. 

Says she, "Oh, James, you've called me oft, 'My beautiful, my hown,' 
And said as how you did adore mc for myself alone ; 
I give thee all -I can no more— as says one of the songs, ^^ 

I've got six pounds, a silvier watch, and a pair of sugiar tongs. 

Says he, " 'Taint much considering how much purvission's riz, 

But we'll be married next Sunday three weeks as ever is ; 

The sweets of matrimony will improve life's bitter cup, ^^ 

Some folks would put d<nvn Sunday hands, I'll go and put them up. 

The three weeks flew like lightning, time run on rapid wheels. 
And James called on her hevr'y day, and halways took his meals ; 
At last the happy day did come, a select partee of five 
Sat trembhng in the vestry, but her James did not arrive. 

Says she, " Why don't he come? Oh, dear, I thought to me he'd rush! 
I'm much afraid he's been run over by an hombli bush ; 
When some one handed in a letter to the trembling bride. 
And these 'em ere's the 'artless words as written was inside. 

" Farewell ! for I was not aware, when first your form I sor. 
That you was thirty-four-you should have told me that afore ; 
I've spent your tin, I've sold the watch, the sugar tongs I ve spouted. 
You would have been dear at the price, and so that s ail-about it. 



HO IV TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 17 

Now, at this sad intelligence, the friends did jeer and scoff, 
How Susian, poor thing, went on, and then, poor thing, went off; 
They all left — bride, likewise bridesmaids, the clerk, halso the minister, 
And as for Susian, poor dear, why she is still a spinister ! 

MORIAL. 

Now all unmarried damsels who have a little pelf, 

You'd better see your property is settled on yourself ; 

Take warning by poor Susian 's sad tale of shameful wrongs, 

Stick to your tin, grab fast your watch, and always hold your tongs. 

Exit, R. 
MoRiAL THE Second. 

■ Says Susan's haunt one day, '' What are you blubbering about ? 
There is as good fish hin the sea has hever yet come hout ; 
You'll find a lovier good as James, as handsome and as slim, ' 
So do be Tifeel-loss-of-her^ and don\ feel loss of him.'" 

Whenever lovers turn away, and don't come back again, 

As is the case with treacherous and wacillating men. 

Look out and try and find a more appreciative man, 

And don't go in for spinsterhood, like Soozy — oozy — Ann ! ZSzit, R. 

Enter Tompkins, c, holding up Whiffles, deplorably drunk. 

Whif. (^singing) " She's all my fancy painted her — 

She's lovely — she's divine " 

(hiccup) Hold up, Tompkins, you're not holding up. 

Tom. You're so lop-sided, I can't sir. 

"Whif. " Do not mingle," Hold up— I'm right, I am, ain't I, 
Tomkins — ain't I all right ? If you say I ain't, I'll discharge you 
— now ain't I ? 

Tom. Oh, yes sir ! 

Whif. (sings) "Up rouse ye then, my merry, merry men, 
for 'tis our opening day." 
(business) " Down among the dead men, let him lie." 

(/alls) 
Awful fall in tea — let him lie ! 

Tom. But I can't let him lie. Oh, lor ! get up, master ! What 
a disgusting sight for a young man of my 'abits ! 

Whif. Tompkins ! 

Tom. Yes, sir. 

Whif. Be off ! 

Tom, Yes, sir. Exit info shop 

Whif. (rising) I'm not drunk, am I ? Echo answers — Very ! 
I'm master here, and — oh, lor ! I do feel so bad ! (fakes boffle 
ouf of pockef) I'm very ill, I am, I'm not so drunk as not to 
know that I'm (drinks) " Behold how brightly breaks— 



1 8 HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

breaks— (/nVrK/)— the morning." Take my advice, gentlemen, 
never mix your liquor. I mixed mine and — (^hiccup) — here s the 
consequence. I don't know what I had, but this 1 do know — 
" When the heart of a man is oppressed with care, 
The spell is dissolved should a woman appear." 
Mrs. I. {-without) Yes ! not one moment longer will I stay ! 
Wliif. Hallo ! this is a woman ! I'll get out of the way, for I 
ain't what the French call {hiccup) kummy fo. 

{goes into closet and shuts door) 

Enter Mrs. Incubus, l. 

Mrs. I. I'll teach them what it is to go out when a mother-in- 
law comes to see them, the ungrateful, good-for-nothing creatures ! 

( S^i^S — w^^^-s'Spangle.) 

Enter Spangle, r., disguised as a policeman. 

Span. Stop ! , , ,r u 

Mrs. I. Hallo, policeman ; if you'd been here half an hour 
ago you might have been of some use ; but now you ain't 
wanted. 

Span. But you are ! 

Mrs. I. Me 1 

Span. You, mum. You're a nice old gal you are, ain t you ? 
a reo-ular felonious, burglarious, housebreakerish, old 'oman — 
you 'are a nice Old Bailey ish, Cold Bath Fields, House o'Correc- 
tion'y creature. Come, confess your crime! I'm a policeman, 
I am, and don't stand no nonsense. Ha ! ha ! 

{strikes an attitude) 

Mrs. I. Why, you imperent, good-for-nothing wagabone, 

Span. Wagabone ? don't you so much as wag a finger ! Call 
a constable a vagabond ? malign one of Her Majesty's function- 
aries ? Tremble ! A smuggler has been here — ha ! 

Mrs. I. {falls in chair) Oh, 'eavens ! 

Span. Ha ! you change color— the smuggler has confessed a.11; 
you are his accomplice— deny it not ! You bought a piece ot silk 
from him ; own it ! You are an offender against the law, and 
will suffer its awful penalty. 

Mrs. I. Oh, good Mr. Policeman, I didn't know it was smug- 
gled -I didn't know I was doing wrong ! Oh, dear ! oh, dear ! 
what'll be done to me ? 

Span. You're sure to be transported for life among the gorillas ; 
however, if you don't kill more than two jailers a week, they'll 
let you off with a ticket-of-leave. 

Mrs. I. Oh, dear ! oh dear ! what would I give to be in Frump- 
ington" once more. Oh ! Mr. Policeman, let me go, and I'll give 
you a five pound note. 



I/O IV TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAIV. 19 

Span. What ! attempt to bribe an employe o{ ?s. liberal g-overn- 
ment ? Try to undermine the honor of a royal bobby ? Madam, 
you wound me, you do indeed ! 

Mrs. I. What am I to do ? 

Span. Retire for a moment to your room, whilst I fetch a cab 
to convey you to Newgate. 

Mrs. I. I don't know what I'm about ? Exit L. 

Span. I can't keep it up much longer, I'll pack her off to the 
station in a cab, and {going — HUNX heard without.) 

Hunx. (without) Tell you he is here, so no nonsense ! 

Span. Hunx's voice, my remorseless landlord from Little Snod- 
grass, by all that's horrible ! Now impudence befriend me. 

{s tabids in attitude.) 

Enter HUNX,/rci;« C. door. 

Hunx. Saw him enter, I'll swear. Hollo ! a policeman. Ho ! 
my man have you seen anything of a gentleman called Spangle 
hereabouts ? 

Span, {with a wry face) Spangle ! I've just been in com- 
munication with the rascal. 

Hunx. The confounded rascal ! 

Span. Just so ; he's here. 

Hunx. Said so. 

Span. Beneath this very roof. 

Hunx. Knew it ! 

Span. A word in your ear — hes a she. 

Hunx. What d'ye mean, policeman ? I never joke ; don't like 
'em. 

Span. Spangle is in that room, dressed as a woman — an old 
woman. 

Hunx. Tricky rascal ! 

Span. Deceptive vagabond ! yes ! knowing- you were after 
him, he adopted the disguise most calculated to elude you. He' s 
there, about to make his escape — wait here — on his appearance 
collar him ! If you want assistance I shall be without — hum ! — 
you understand. He's wanted by the police ; you stop him ; I'll 
help and — we'll share the reward — hum 1 — fifty pounds — twenty- 
five each — hum ! [aside) He ! he ! he ! Who wouldn't be a 
mother-in-law ? Exit i7ito shop. 

Hunx. So he's wanted by the police too ! The scoundrel — 
but I'll show him no mercy — not a ha'porth — no, none. 

Enter MRS. INCUBUS, L. 

Mrs. I. Mr. Policeman, I'm so frightened and — Oh ! law, 
here's another nobleman 1 

Hunx. Well 'pon my life, you're a pretty sort of person, you 
are. Now tell me, ain't you ashamed of yourself? {aside) 



20 HO IV TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

Wonderful deception. I shouldn't ha' known him — so much 
stouter too — crinoline will account for that ! {aloud) You're dis- 
covered, young man, so come along. {seizes her) 

Mrs. I. Young man ? What d'ye mean ? I'm no young man 
— I'm an old woman ! 

Hunx. Very likely, I know better, Mr. Spangle. Come on, 
you play-acting rascal ! come on ! (Mrs. Incubus shrieks.) 

Enter MRS. Whiffles, r. 

Mrs. W. My dear ma ! — and in the hand of a rude man ? 

Take that ! {strikes HUNX ojt the hat.) 

Hunx. {g*:is L.) If you were only a man, ma'am 

Mrs. W. Oh, if my dear husband were only present. Oh, 

Sampson, Sampson, where are you ? 

Sampson throws open door — is discovered drunk, with an im- 
mense number of candles hung round him, cake of 
soap in waistcoat pocket, preserves all 
over his mouth. 

"Whif. Here — here, madam ! and why are you here ? — tell me 
that. Why ain't you at your cousin Mary's }■ — ^What business 
have you to come back before you're sent for ? Tell me that, 
ma'am — tell me that. 

Mrs W. Can it be possible ! What do you mean, sir ? 

Whif. Oh, come ! you don't bully me any longer — I'm going 
to have my innings now, I can tell you. From this day forth, 
I'll be master of my own house, and my own till, and my own 
actions ; so if you don't choose to submit as a wife should, why 
go and live with your mother, and good riddance to bad rub- 
bish, say I. 

Hunx. Hear, hear, hear ! (Spangle watching.) 

Mrs. W. Sampson, are you dreaming ? 

Enter Spangle. 

Span. No, ma'am, he's just woke up. 

Mrs. W. Mr. Spangle ! {crosses to R. c. — Mr. and Mrs. 
W^HlFFLES com^erse.) 

Hunx. Mr. Spangle ! why, sir, I've been looking for you for 
the last 

Span. That's odd ! you might have seen me last night, {crosses 
to HUNX) 

Hunx. Why, sir, I was last night at a public meeting. 

Span. Meeting at a public you mean ; wasn't that last waltz 
delicious ? {dancing him round) However, Mrs. Hunx shall not 
know anything from me. No, I'm dumb, you dog. 

Hunx. Hang me ! if I'm not in a fog. 

Mrs. I. I'll cut 'em both off with a shilling. 



HO IV TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 21 

Span. Never mind that, ma'am, so long as you cut off your- 
self. 

Mrs. W. Will you explain all this, sir ? 

Span. Certainly not, my dear madam, never explain anything 
at the end of a farce, it's always a bore. 

Whif. So it is. But Timothy, you must stop with us ; you 
shan't go. 

Span. Shan't I ? then I won't [to audience) That's to say, if 
you'll allow me to stay. Say a kind word for Timothy Spangle, 
and if you do, he doesn't care how often he may be called to 
show you HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

Spangle, 



Mrs. W. 



Mrs. I. 



Mr. W. 



HUNX. 



CURTAIN. 




UNCLE TOM'S CABIN (NEW version.) 

A MELODRAMA IN FIVE ACTS, BY CIIAS. TOWNSEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, five female characters (some of the characters play two parts). 
Time of playing, 2j^ hours. This is a new acting edition of a prime old favorite, 
so >imjl'fied in the stdge-setting as to be easily represented by dramatic clubs and 
travelling companies with limited scenery. Uncle Tom's Cabin is a play that never 
grows old ; being pure and faultless, it commands the praise of the pulpit and sup- 
port of the press, while it enlists the favor of all Christians and heads of familits. It 
will draw hundreds where other plays draw dozens, and therefore is sure to fill any hal . 

Synopsis of Incidents: Act I. — Scene I.—'X\\e. Shelby plantation in Kentucky. — 
George and Eliza. — The curse of Slavery. — The resolve. — Off for Canada. — " I won't 
be taken — I'll die first." — Shelby f nd Haley. — Uncle Tom and Harry must be sold. — 
The poor mother. — " Sell my boy ! " — The faithful slave. Scene II. — Gumption 
Cute. — " By Gum !" — Marks, the lawyer. — A mad Yankee. — George in di.sguise. — A 
friend in need. — The human bloodhounds. — The escape. — " Hooray fer old Var- 
mount ! " 

Act II. — St. Clare's elegant home. — The fretful wife. — The arrival. — Little Eva. — 
Aunt Ophelia and Topsy. — " O, Golly! I'se so wicked!" — St. Clare's opinion. — 
" Benighted innocence." — The stolen gloves. — Topsy in her glory. 

Act III. — The angel child. — Tom and St. Clare. — Topsy's mischief. — Eva's re- 
quest. — The promise. — pathetic scene. — Death of Eva. — St. Clare's grief. — " For thou 
art gone forever." 

Act IV. — The lonely house. — Tom and St. Clare. — Topsy's keepsake. — Deacon 
Perry and Aunt Ophelia. — Cute on deck. — A distant relative. — The hungry visitor. — 
Chuck full of emptiness." — Cute and the Deacon. — A row. — A fight. — Topsy to the 
rescue. — St. Clare wounded. — Death of St. Clare. — " Eva — Eva — ^I am coming " 

Act V. — Legree's plantation on the Red River. — Home again. — Uncle Tom's 
noble heart. — " My soul ain't yours, Mas'r." — Legree's cruel work. — Legree and Cassy. 
— The white slave. — A frightened brute. — Legree's fear.— A life of sin. — Marks and 
Cute. — A new scheme. — The dreadful whipping of Uncle Tom. — Legree punished at 
last. — Death of Uncle Tom. — Eva in Heaven. 



THE WOVEN WEB. 

A DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY CHAS. TOWNSEND. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Seven male, three female characters, viz. : leading and second juvenile men, so- 
ciety villain, walking gentleman, eccentric comedian, old man, low comedian, leading 
juvenile lady, soubretie and old woman. Time of playing, aj^ hours. The Woven Weu 
is a flawless drama, pure in thought and action, with excellent characters, and pre- 
senting no difficulties in costumes or scenery. The story is captivating, with a plot 
of the most intense and unflagging interest, rising to a natural climax of wonderful 
power. The wit is bright and sparkling, the action terse, sharp and rapid. In touch- 
ing the great chord of human sympathy, the author has expended that rare skill 
which has given life to every great play known to the stage. This play has been 
produced under the author's management with marked success, and will prove 
an unquestionable attraction wherever presented. 

Synopsis of Incidents: Act I.- Parkhurst & Manning's law office. New York. 
— Tim's opinion. — The young lawyer. — " Majah Billy Toby, sah ! " — Love and law. 
— Bright prospects. — Bertha's misfortune. — A false friend. — The will destroyed. — A 
cunning plot. — Weaving the web. — The unseen witness. — The letter. — Accu.sed. — 
Dishonared. 

Act II. — Winter quarters. — Colonel Hastings and Sergeant Tim. — Moseg. — A 
message. — Tim on his dignity. — The arrival. — Playing soldier. — The secret.— The 
promise. — Harry in danger. — Love and duty. — The promise kept. — " Saved, at the 
loss of my own honor ! " 

Act III. — Drawing-room at Falconer's. — Reading the news. — " Apply to Judy ! " 
— Louise's romance. — Important news. — Bertha's fears. — Leamington s arrival. — 
Drawing the web. — Threatened.— Plotting. — Harry and Bertha. — A fiendish lie. — Face 
to face.—" Do you know him ? " — Denounced. — " Your life shall be the penalty ! " — 
Startling tableau. 

Act IV. — At Uncle Toby's. — A wonderful climate. — An impudent rascal. — A bit 
of history. — Woman's wit. — Toby Indignant. — A quarrel. — Uncle Toby's evidence. — 
Leamington's last trump. — Good news. — Checkmated. — The telegram. — Breaking 
the web. — Sunshine at last. 

\iW Copits mailed, postpaid, to any address, oh receipt o/ the annexed prices. gr% 



SAVED FROM THE WRECK. 

A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS K. SERRANO. 
PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Eight male, three female characters: Leading comedy, juvenile man, genteel 
villain, rough villain, lij^ht comedy, escaped convict, deteciive, utility, juvenile 
lady, leading comedy lady ;ind old woman. Tv^-o interior and one landscape scenes. 
Modern costumes. Time of playing, two hours and a half. The scene of the action 
is laid on the New Jersey coast. The plot is of absorbing interest, the "business" 
effective, and the ingenious contrasts of comic and serious situations present a con- 
tinuous series of surprises for the spectators, whose interest is increasingly maintained 
up to the final tableau. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. The Home of the Light-house Keeper. — An autumn afternoon. — 
The insult. — True to herself. — A fearless hejrt. —The unwelcome guest. — Only a 
foundling. — An abuse of confidence. — The new partner. — 1 he compact. — The dead 
brought to life. — Saved from the wreck. — Legal advice. — Matried for money.— A 
E'lden chance. — The intercepted letter. — A vision of wealth. — The forgery. — Within 
ail inch of his life. — The rescue. — Tableau. 

Act II. Scene as before; time, night. — Dark clouds gathering. — Changing 
the jackets. — Father and son. — On duty. — A struggle for fortune. — Loved for himself. 
— The divided greenbacks. — The agreement. — An unhappy life. — The detective's mis- 
take. — Arrested. — Mistaken identity. — The likeness again. — On the right track — The 
accident. — -"Will she be saved ? " — Latour's bravery. — A noble sacrifice. — The secret 
meeting. — Another case of mistaken identity. — The murder. — " Who did it ? " — The 
torn cuff. — " There stands the murderer!" — " 'Tis false!" — The wrong man mur- 
dered. — Who was the victim ? — Tableau. 

Act III. Two Days Later. — Plot and counterplot.— Gentleman and convict. — 
The price of her life. — Some new documents. — The divided banknotes. — Sunshine 
through the clouds. — Prepared for a watery grave — Deadly peril. — Fatherand daugh- 
ter. — The rising tide. — A life for a signature. — True unto death. — Saved. — The mys- 
tery solved. — Denouement. —Tableau. 



BETWEEN TWO FIRES. 

A COMEDY-DRAMA IN THREE ACTS, BY THOMAS K. SERRANO. 

PRICE, 15 CENTS. 

Eight male, three female, and utility characters: Leading juvenile man, first and 
second walking gentleman, two light comedians (lawyer and foreign adventurer), 
Dutch and Irish character comedians, villain, soldiers ; leading juvenile lady, walk- 
ing lady and comedienne. '1 hree interior scenes ; modern and military costumes. 
Time of playing, two hours and a half. Apart from unusual interest of plot and skill 
of construction, the play affords an opportunity of representing the progress of a 
real battle in the distance (though this is not necessary to the action). The comedy 
business is delicious, if well worked up, and a startling phase of the slavery question 
is sprung upon the audience in the last act. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. At Fort Lee, on the Hudson. — News from the war. — The meeting. 
— The colonel's strange romance. — Departing for the war. — The intrusted packet. — An 
honest man. — A last request. — Bitter hatred. — The dawn of love. — A northerner's 
sympathy for the South. — Is he a traitor ? — Held in trust. — La Creole mine for sale. — 
Financial agents. — A brother's wrong. — An order to cross the enemy's lines. — For- 
tune's fool. — Love's penalty. — Man's independence. — Strange disclosures. — A sha- 
dowed life. — Beggareci in pocket, and bankrupt in love. — His last chance. — The re- 
fusal. — Turned from home. — Alone, without a name — Off to the war. — Tableau. 

Act II. On the Battlefield. — An Irishman's philosophy. — Unconscious of 
danger. — Spies in the camp. — The insult. — Risen from the ranks. — The colonel's prej- 
udice. — Letters from home. — The plot to ruin. — A token of love. — True to him. — 
The plotters at work. — Breaking the seals. — The meeting of husband and wife. — A 
forlorn hope. — Doomed as a spy. — A struggle for lost honor. — A soldier's death. — 
Tableau. 

Act III. Before Richmond. — The home of Mrs. De Mori. — The two docu- 
ments. — A little misunderstanding. — A deserted wife. — The truth revealed. — Brought 
to light. — Mother and child. — Rowena's sacrifice. — The American Eagle spreads his 
wings. — The spider's web. — True to himself. — The reconciliation. — A long divided 
home reunited. — The close of the war. — Tableau. 

^^WCoJiies mailed^ postpaid^ to any address.^ on receipt of the annexed prices. , ^ bS 



BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. 

A DRAMA II< KIVE ACT3, BY H. V. VOGT. 

Pric e, 15 C ents. 

Nine male, three female characters, vi..: Leading and Second Juvenile Men, 
Vld Man. S.n eel Villain. Walking Gentleman. First and Second L.ght Comed.ans 
Heavy Chamcter, Low Comedian, Leading and Second Juvenxle Lad.es and Comic 
Old Maid. Time of playing. Two hours and a half. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 
Act I. Love vs. Impulse.— DoUer- 
clutch's office.— A fruitless journey, a 
heap of accumulated business and a 
chapter of unparalleled impudence.— 
News from the front.— A poor girl s 
trouble and a lawyer's big heart.— tlil- 
da'9 sad story.-" I '11 see this thing 
through if It costs me a fortune I —A 
sudden departure in search ot a clue — 
Themeetingof friends.— Oneof nature s 
noblemen.-Maitland betra:^ his secret 
by a slip of the tongue.— The ball at 
Beachwood.— Two spooneys.fresh from 
coUeee.lose their heads and their hearts. 
^"Squashed, by Jupiter! -—Trusting 
innocence and poHshed villainy.— 1 he 
interrupted trvst. — An honest mans 
avowal.— A picture of charming simpli- 
eity.— Murdell and Hilda meet face to 
■lace.— "I dare you to make another 
victim !"— A scoundrel's discomfiture.— 
Tableau. _, .. ., 

ActIL The Separation.— The Mait- 
fand homestead.— Anastasia's doubts.— 
A warm welcome and its icy reception. 
^Forebodings and doubts.— Father and 
son.— Searching questions.- A doniestic 
storm and a parent's command.— A 
foiled villain's wrath.— Enlisting for the 
war— The collapse of the cowards.- 
" It 's no use, 'Dolphy. the jig 's up ! — 
Hilda's sympathy and Adrienne s silent 
despair.— The result of impulse.— 1 lie 
father pleads for his son.— Anastasia 
and DoUerclutch.— Coriolanus comes to 
Erief.— Good and bad news.— Husband 
and wife.— Reginald demands an ex- 
planation.— A hand without a heart,— 
The separation.— A new recruit— loo 
late; the roll is signed.- Tableau. 

Act III. Duty vs. Impulse.— Four 
Years later.— A camp in the army.— 
Longings. — "Only six miles ^rom 
home !'*^The skeleton in the closet.— 
A father's yearning for his child.— A 
woman-hater in love.— Dojlerclutch s 



dream.— A picture of camp life and fun. 
—Coriolanus has his revenge.— News 
from home.— Bollerclutch makes a big 
find. " Eureka ! "—Proofs of Hild.-i s 
parentage and marriage.— A happy old ^ 

a.A« mailed, post-paid, to any address on receipt of the advertised price. 



lawyer.— "I 'U take them to Hilda! — 
Detailed for duty.— A soldier's tempta- 
lion.— The sentinel deserts his post.— 
The snake in the grass.— "At last, I can 
humble his pride !" 

Act IV. The Reconciliation and 
Sequel.— At Reginald's home.— News 
from the army.—" Grant is not the man 
to acknowledge defeat !"— Adrienne and 
Hilda.— False pride is broken.- 1 he re- 
conciliation.— " Will Reginald forgive 
n,e?"_Dollerclutch brings loy to Hil- 
da's heart.— "You are the daughter ot 
Morris Maitland !"— The stolen docu- 
ments and the snake in the grass.— 
"Hang me if I don't see this thing 
through !"— A letter to the absent one.— 
Face to face.— The barrier of pride 
swept down.— "Reginald. I love you; 
come back !"-The happy reunion. -An 
ominous cloud.— "I have deserted my 
post ; the penalty is death. I must re- 
turn ere my absence is discovered 1 — 
The wolf in the sheepfold.— A wily 
tempter foiled. — A villain's rage. — 
"Those words have sealed your doom ! 
— The murder and the escape.— 
DoUerclutch arrives too late.— The pur- 
suit. _ 

Act V. Divine Impulse.— in canip. — 
Maitland on duty.— The charge of de- 
sertion and the examination.— "I knew 
not what I did !"— The colonel s lenity.— 
Disgrace.- News of Adrienne's murder 
is brought to camp.— Circumstantial 
evidence fastens the murder upon Reg- 
inald.— The court-martial.— Convicted 
and sentenced to be shot.— Preparations 
for the execution.— • God knows I am 
innocent ! "—DoUerclutch arrives in the 
nick of time.— "If you shoot that man 
you commit murder 1"— The beginning 
of the end.— "Adrienne hves! —A -.u- 
lain's terror.— Adrienne appears on the 
scene.— "There is the attempted assas- 
sin !"— Divine impulse.- The reward of 
innocence and the punishment of vil- 
lainy.— Good news.—" Hurrah, the wa' 
is over; Lee has surrendered to Grant! 

The happy denouement andjinale.- • 

Tableau. 



HAROLD ROORBACH, Publistier, 

<» MURRAY ST., NEW YORK. 



NEW ENTERTAINMENTS. 

THE JAPANESE WEDDING. 

A C'^^tume pantomime repre^ciitalion of the Wedding Ceremony in Japanese high life. 
I'he company consists of the bride and groom, their parents, six bridesmaids, and 
the officiating personage appropriately called the " Go-between." There are 
various lormalities, including salaams, lea-drinking, eating rice-cakes, and giving 
presents. No words are spoken. The ceremony (which occupies about 50 
minutes), with the "tea-room," fills out an evening well, though music and other 
attractions m.Ty be added. Can be represented by young ladie^ alone, if preferred. 
Price, 2j Cents. 

AN EVENING WITH PICKWICK. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Introduces the Pickwick Club, 
the Wardles of Dingley Dell, the Fat l!oy, Alfred Jingle, Mrs. Leo Hunter, Lord 
Mutanhed and Count .Smorltork, Arabe'la Allen and I!ob Allen, Hob Sawyer, Mrs. 
and Master Hardell, Mrs. Chippins. Mrs. U'eller, Stiggins, Tony WelL-r, Sam 
AVeller, and the Lady Traveller. Price, 25 cents. 

AN EVENING WITH COPPERFIELD. 

A Literary and Dramatic Dickens Entertainment. — Litroduces Mrs. Copperfield, 
Davie, the Peggotys, the Murdstones, Mrs. Gummidge, Little Eni'ly, Barkis, 
l!etsey Trotwood, Mr. Dick and his kite, Steerforth, the Creakles, Traddles, 
Rosa Dartle, Miss Mowcher, Uriah Heep and his Mother, the Micawbers, Dora 
and Gyp, and the woiden-legged Gatekeeper. Price, 25 cents. 
These " Evenings with Dickens " can be represented in whole or in part, require 
but little memorizing, do not demand experienced actors, are not troublesome to pre- 
pare, and are suitable for performance either on the platform or in the drawing room. 

THE GYPSIES' FESTIVAL. 

A Musical Entertainment for Voung People. Litroduces the Gypsy Queen, Fortune 
Teller, Yankee Peddler, and a Chorus of Gypsies, of any desired number. The 
scene is supposed to be a Gypsy Camp. The costumes are very pretty, but 
simple ; the dialogue bright ; the music easy and tuneful ; and the drill movements 
and calisthenics are graceful. Few properties and no set scenery required, so 
that the entertainment can be represented on any platform. Price, 25 cents. 

THE COURT OF KING CHRISTMAS. 

A CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT. The action takes place in Santa Clans 
land on Christmas eve, and represents the bustling preparations of St. Nick and 
his attendant worthies for the gratification of all children the next day. The cast 
may include as many as 36 characters, though fewer will answer, and the enter- 
tainment represented on a platform, without troublesome properties. The co.s- 
tumes are simple, the incidental music and drill movements graceful and easily 
managed, the dialogue uncommonly good, and the Avhole thing (jnite above the 
average. A representation of this entertainment will cause the young folks, from 
six to sixty, fairly to turn themselves inside out with delight, and, at the same 
time, enforce the important moral of Peace and Good \\'ill. Price, 25 cents. 
RECEyTLV PUBLISHED. 

ILLUSTRATED TABLEAUX FOR AMATEURS. A new scries of TabUaux 
/ '/r'a>/i'j, by M.'VRTHA C. W ELD. In this series each description is accompanied 
with a full-page illustration of the scene to be represented. 
PART I.— MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAUX.— Contains Gener.al Introduction, 

12 Tableaux and 14 Illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 
PART IL— MISCELLANEOUS TABLEAU.X;.— Contains Introduction, 12 Ta- 
bleaux and 12 illustrations. Price, 25 Cents. 

SAVED FROM THE WRECK. A drama in three acts. Eight male, three 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. A comedy-drama in three acts. Eight male, three 
female characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. A drama in five acts. Nine male, three female 
characters. Time, two hours and a half. Price, 15 Cents. 

A LESSON IN ELEGANCE. A comedy in one act. Four female characters. 
Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

WANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. A farce in one act. Six male 
characters. Time, thirty minutes. Price, 15 Cents. 

SECOND SIGHT. A farcical comedy in one act. Four male, one female charac- 
ter. Time, one hour. Price, 15 Cents. 

THE TRIPLE WEDDING. A drama in three acts. Four male, four female 
characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. Price, 15 cents. 
t^ A Hy 0/ the above ivill be sent by mail., postpaid., to any addressy on receipt 

f/ the annexed prices, ,^^^ 

HAROLD RO.ORBACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St„ New York. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

H ELMER 

ACTOR'S MAKE-l 

' A rra-ctUrJ .xn.i rysiematic CiiiJe to iht Art """'■""g'^'^' ^igg 57g g 

PRICE, 25 CENTS. 




With exhaustive treatment on the Use of Theatrical 
Wrr.s AND Beards, The Make-up and its requisite materials, the 
diffkrent features and their management. Typical Character 
Masks, etc. With Special Hints to Ladies. Designed for the 
use of Actors and Amateurs, and for both Ladies and Gentle- 
men. Copiously Illustrated. 

CONTENTS. 

\. Theatrical Wigs. — The Style and Form of Theatrical Wigs 
and Beards. The Color and Shading of Theatrical Wigs and Beards. 
Directions for Measuring the Head. To put on a Wig properly. 

n. Theatrical Beards. — How to fashion a Beard out of crep6 
hair. How to make Beards of Wool. The growth of Beard simu- 
lated. 

\\\. The Make-up — A successful Character Mask, and how to 
make it. Perspiration during performance, how removed. 

IV. The Make-up Box.— Grease Paints. Grease paintc in 
sticks ; Flesh Cream ; Face Powder; How to use face powder as a 
liquid cream ; The various shades of face powder. Water Cos- 
jndtique. Nose Putty. Court Plaster. Cocoa Butter. Crgp6 Hair 
and Prepared Wool. Grenadine. Dorin's Rouge. "Old Man's" 
Rouge. "Juvenile" Rouge, Spirit Gum. Email Noir. Bear's 
Grease. Eyebrow Pencils. Artist's Stomps. Powder Puffs. Hares* 
Teet. Camels'-hair Brushes. 

V. The Features and their Treatment. — The Eyes : blind- 
ness. The Eyelids. The Eyebrows : How to paint out an eyebrow or 
moustache ; II ow to paste on eyebrows ; How to regulate bushy eye- 
brows. The Eyelashes : To alter the appearance of the eyes. The 
Ears. The Nose : A Roman nose ; How to use the nose putty ; A 
pug nose ; An African nose ; a large nose apparentlyreduced in size. 
The Mouth and Lips : a juvenile mouth ; an old mouth ; a sensuous 
mouth ; a satirical mouth ; a one-sided mouth ; a merry mouth ; A 
sullen mouth. The Teeth. The Neck, Arms, Hands and Finger- 
nails : Fingernails lengthened. Wrinkles: Friendliness and Sullen- 
ness indicated by wrinkles. Shading. A Starving character, A 
Cut in the Face. A Thin Face Made Fleshy. 

VI. Typical Character Masks. — The Make-up for Youth : 
Dimpled cheeks. Manhood. Middle Age. Making up as a Drunk- 
ard : One method ; another method. Old Age. Negroes. Moors. 
Chinese. King Lear, Shylock. Macbeth. Richelieu. Statuary. 
Clowns. 

VII. Special Hints to Ladies. — The Make-up. Theatrical 
Wigs and Hair Goods. 

Sent hy mail, postpaid, to any address, on 7-cccipt ofthepruc. 

HAROLD ROORBACH, Publisher, 
9 Murray Street, Kew York. 



